my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
