I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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