omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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