I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
