I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
