I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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