at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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