I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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