I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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