My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
