he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
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