She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
