Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
