Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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