im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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