I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
