i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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