Plan B is the new Plan A
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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