Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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