Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
