Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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