So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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