her vagina looked like bernie madoff
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And then my night got REAL pukey
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
