I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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