sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
