I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
