So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Is it because I queefed?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
