Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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