saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
