Your face is a jimmy john
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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