The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
