I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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