Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
