Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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