that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
