this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
