; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
