Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
