I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
