I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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