I feel like I'm in dance class right now
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
