We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
