My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
