His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
