i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
