The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
