I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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