I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i will never coherently bang her
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
