You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
