he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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