Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
