checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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