Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
